It’s been an interesting afternoon and I feel like I need to document this and move on. I’m worried my previous level of calm will not last long after today.
Today we took a walk to the station. Now this has been a regular Sunday thing for the last 3 years. We go to the station and we go to my mums for lunch with whatever other family members can make it.
Today was different because we are closer to a new station. The walk there was fine – I’d checked,re-checked and written down the directions and it’s not that much further then we are used to do. But from this station we need to change. We need to get off at our old regular station. I never thought this would be a problem. Never gave it a second thought really.
When we got there we had a 20 minute wait. During this time my son became more and more ‘fussy’ he pushed us away when we tried to talk to him or encourage him to play. He said a firm,cross ‘NO’ to anything I suggested. I thought perhaps he was tired or bored. But once we sat on the train he suddenly started kicking the table and shouting. He has never ever behaved like this! He is my laid back boy. Never one to kick out like this.
After a few minutes he started crying ‘I want to go home. I want to go home’ I knew instantly he didn’t mean our temporary house. He sobbed out that he wanted the other house. He didn’t want new people living there. After the initial outburst he settled to those little hicuppy noises they make. He didn’t say another word but held my hand for the rest of the journey.
I spent the journey making small talk with my daughter trying to hold back the tears.
And the rest of the day has continued like this. Cross and frustrated and quick to cry over things that would never have bothered him before. He’s been overwhelmed and sad and on a couple of occasions took himself away to cry in the hallway. This is not my happy boy. I don’t know if it’s just been coming or if the train station and the return to a familiar routine has triggered this but it’s left an ache in me.
I know every child that moves must go through a level of upset. I expected it really but was unsure exactly how it would show itself. But the thing that upsets me the most is that in a month or so, just when he’ll be feeling more settled, we’ll be moving again and the whole thing will start over again. And then I will be moving him yet again when we finally have a bid accepted. And that time he would have had a few months at least to get settled and secure. I’m worried that he won’t feel safe. It seems so much upheaval for a three year old.
We’re lucky, so lucky that we are in this house and not a B&B but I have to admit I am struggling to feel lucky today.